Are you there?

Yes, we are here.

Today, I’d like to talk about caregiving.

Of self or of others?

Of others. Specifically, my mom. Although I suppose that the act of taking care of another eventually leads to questions of self-care.

Indeed. So, where would you like to begin our discussion today?

Well, I’ve recently returned from a ten-day visit with my 93-year-old mom, my third in the space of a few months. My mom lives, along with my three siblings and the rest of my extended family, about 250 miles away from where I reside.  Without going into too much detail, my mom has been facing some non-life-threatening health challenges this past year that require outside attention to her basic needs and physical care. Being so far away has made it difficult for me to participate as much as I would like, but now that I’m no longer working full-time, I have the opportunity to travel down and see her more often than I might have in the past. All of these trips have been planned not only to assist in her care, but also to give my three siblings a much-needed break from their own caregiving responsibilities.

And how would you describe your recent stay with your mom?

Challenging. More challenging each time that I see her. In fact, this last trip was really the first time that I began to see myself in the role of a caregiver. I’d never really thought of myself in that way before, but I now realize I’m dealing with many of the same issues that other caregivers face.

And what would those issues be?

Well, there are the practical concerns, of course, like grocery shopping and driving to doctors’ appointments and picking up prescriptions and things like that. Truth is, I don’t mind those responsibilities and I actually find pleasure in being useful to my mom in that way. After this last visit, however, I can more plainly see the ongoing physical, mental and emotional struggles that my mom is facing.

Can you describe those struggles for our readers?

Well, my mom’s physical body is essentially breaking down little by little and that is causing her a great deal of anxiety. Due to a variety of medical procedures, she now has trouble eating solid food, which makes it difficult for her to maintain her weight, and that is very stressful for her. She is still mobile within her apartment, but not without a walker. Her mind is very sharp and clear and bright, so that’s something to be thankful for, but she does spend a lot of time ruminating on her various physical ailments. She also greatly misses my father, who she was married to for over 70 years and who passed on almost three years ago. Considering her age, she’s been handling all of these situations pretty well, but beneath the surface it’s clear she feels powerless to fix her situation, and that makes her very sad.

This gives our readers a fairly good idea of the type of physical, mental and emotional issues that your mom is dealing with. Now, what are some of the issues that YOU have been dealing with during your visits?

Well, let’s start with some of the emotional issues, like guilt, due mostly to my being so far away from her and not being able to participate more fully in her caregiving. I also feel a little guilty about my three siblings having to shoulder my share of the responsibility for our mom’s care. Fortunately, the guilt I feel has not been too overwhelming and I seem to be managing it pretty well. In fact, the more trips I make, and the more I participate in my mom’s care, the less guilt I feel. In the beginning, I was also feeling a certain inadequacy, whether or not I would be able to handle the practical side of her personal care, but I have gotten the hang of all of that, so my feelings of inadequacy are also now less of an issue. What I didn’t anticipate were the undercurrents of frustration and even anger I’ve been experiencing. My mom has always been a very fit person in general. Now, possibly for the first time in her life, she is unable to fully take care of herself, which is not only upsetting, but at times, also very difficult to accept, for her and for those of us who are looking after her. As you may imagine, the irritation and frustration that sometimes surface also trigger feelings of guilt. After all, we’re not supposed to be angry with someone who requires hands-on care, especially a parent, just because they are not as healthy as we’d like them to be.

Aside from these basic emotional concerns, what are some of the other issues that have arisen during your visits with your mom?

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of these visits with my mom has been the emergence of my own fears around the aging process. For most people my age, these fears have already begun to develop, but being constantly in the presence of someone who is older and who is experiencing stressful medical conditions only intensifies those fears, at least for me, and on this last visit, I found myself losing confidence in my own sense of health and well-being. My old lower back problems returned, I was having trouble sleeping, and I began to imagine all sort of minor ailments. “Has that mole changed color? I think I’m getting the flu! Why is my vision so blurry today?” These are slight exaggerations, but it was clear from these anxious thoughts that I was having difficulty maintaining my boundaries. Caring for someone you’re close to, especially if it’s a parent with whom you have, let’s say, a more porous boundary than you might have with someone else, makes it harder to protect your own energy. I found myself forming images of what my own state of health might be like when I was her age. “Is this what lies ahead for me? Will I have these same types of problems when I am 93? And who is going to take care of me? I have no spouse, no children. Should I start preparing for the inevitable now?” To be honest, I don’t think that any of what I was experiencing is all that unique. It seems perfectly reasonable that when you spend a great deal of time with an older person who is ill, it’s tough to separate yourself energetically from that person. Eventually, their condition starts to influence what you imagine for yourself as you age, unless, of course, you are an experienced health care worker, and even then, I think maintaining a certain detachment from those you are caring for is still a challenge.

This is why you must always be careful not to lose yourself in your caregiving activities. Caregiving works both ways and applies not only to the one receiving care, but to the caregiver as well. It is vital for caregivers to make time for themselves apart from their caregiving responsibilities, to take care of their own needs, to nurture themselves, to pamper themselves if they can, to find quiet time to reset their system. Remember also to avoid self-criticism. In your case, no one is expecting you to be Florence Nightingale or Mother Teresa, so cut yourself some slack, to use a popular human expression, and focus on doing the best that you can. Be attentive, be loving and caring, but resist the tendency to lose yourself in the other person’s mindset. This will assist you in maintaining your boundaries.

I can see that, but it is not always easy, especially with your parents. We’re not really taught how to protect our own energy fields, so when our boundaries start to weaken, you’re not always conscious of it. Maintaining strong boundaries without feeling guilty is one of the trickiest parts of the caregiving process for me.  

As always, awareness is key. Pay attention to what you are feeling and do not allow yourself to get so caught up in the situation that you lose sight of who you are. Use visualization to send light into your own field to strengthen your boundaries. And take advantage of the contrast between what you are witnessing and what you desire as your own optimal condition, in the same way that you would under any circumstance. For example, when you observe the health conditions that have been created by another, do you see those conditions as an inevitable part of your own future or do you view them as an option among many to choose from? Bear in mind that health, like everything else that you experience, is based on choice. Nothing is set in stone and all options are on the table. No one says that just because your parent has chosen to experience a particular condition that you too will experience this same condition. You are in charge, and even though it may sometimes seem as if your well-being is predetermined by heredity or environment, rest assured that your health and how you experience it is up to you. So, use the contrast to come to your own conclusions about what YOU want to experience. Trust in your own ability to maintain your physical form and to heal any unwanted conditions. You can start by forming a vision of optimal health and well-being, not out of fear, but out of love and respect for yourself and your own body. Then hold onto this vision, refer back to it from time to time, affix it, so to speak, within your energy field, within your consciousness, until such time as you wish to make alterations or adjustments to it. Remain flexible, but firm with your choice and do not allow yourself to be swayed by the choices that you see others making. This is what it means to have integrity on the physical plane. Your choices belong to no one but you.

Interesting how this discussion of caregiving has evolved into a discussion of my own health issues.

This should not be so surprising. Everything that you encounter in your life points back to you. That is the whole purpose of your existence on the physical plane. It is all a reflection, there for you to observe and to make choices based on what you are observing. You and every other human person are doing exactly the same thing – using the physical plane to make choices that will eventually lead you to a place of remembering. And what better way to lead yourself to that place than by embracing your own power when it comes to one of the most important and vital elements of the human experience – your physical health.

I had thought we might be able to cover the topic of caregiving in one conversation, but I have the sense that there is more to be said on the subject. So, I think we should stop here and pick it up next time.

As you wish. We look forward to continuing our discussion.

Thank you all.

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