WEHRE WE DISCUSS TAKING THINGS PERSONALLY
Are you there?
Yes, we are here.
Since our last discussion, I have been thinking a lot about our tendency to self-victimize and how often it involves taking things personally that are said or done by someone else, even in situations that involve people we barely know or who have little or no impact on our lives directly.
Indeed. This tendency to takes things personally is directly linked to the inclination on the part of humans to self-victimize. Where would you like to start our conversation today?
I thought we might start with those encounters involving people that we know only casually – the coffee vendor, the mail carrier, the pharmacist – people we’re not really intimate with, but who we may interact with on a regular basis, like, for example, my neighbor George. Yesterday, I ran into him on my way out of my building and I said, “Hey, George. Good to see you. How’s it going’?” He didn’t look up when I spoke, only muttered “Hey” and kept on moving. Now, I introduced myself to George when he first moved into the building, so I know he knows my name, but every time I run into him, he responds in the same, unfriendly way. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, but instead, I think to myself, “Why doesn’t George say hello to me in the hallway when I said hello to him? He always acts like I’m a complete stranger. Maybe he doesn’t like me. Maybe I make him uncomfortable for some reason. What is his problem anyway?” I have no idea what is really going on inside George’s head, no idea what he is thinking at all. Instead, I substitute my own reasons for his behavior and assume that he’s deliberately snubbing me.
And in a situation like this, do the feelings that come with being snubbed last for very long?
Usually, in this kind of situation, no. I’m able to let go of it pretty quickly. I only use it as an example of how even with a relatively minor occurrence, we tend to take what someone says or does personally without knowing what is actually going on inside their head. Instead, we imagine their thoughts and intentions and then respond emotionally to them. It happens all the time, much more than we realize. “Don’t take it so personally!” someone might say when a news item upsets us, or a phone call is not returned, or the store clerk accidentally overcharges us, even when the weather decides not to cooperate with our plans for the day. We allow many of these types of situations to bother us on a personal level for no other reason than that they trigger our insecurities.
As we have said before, rather than experiencing life directly, most human persons experience life through their thoughts. This situation with your neighbor George is an excellent example. You barely know this individual, having only introduced yourself to him on one occasion and thereafter seeing him only occasionally as you pass each other in the hall. And yet, you turn a rather benign encounter with him into a scenario in which he deliberately ignores and even disrespects you. You convince yourself that you are making an informed judgment about his intentions and, in the process, you create a story that summons up hurt feelings. Not only that, but you do it over and over again each time you see him.
Strange, isn’t it, that we would spend even a second of our time creating an upsetting scenario inside of our heads with absolutely no evidence to support the emotions that the scenario generates.
Since it is always your choice as to how you respond in any given situation, next time, rather than allowing your ego mind to lead the way, try ascribing to George an intention that does not involve a snub directed at you personally. Perhaps George has forgotten your name and is embarrassed every time he runs into you. Perhaps he is a shy, introverted person and casual encounters make him uncomfortable. Perhaps he is a worrier and spends much of his time inside his own head trying to sort out his personal problems. Whatever the case, respect George’s response and let it be. Then allow yourself to make a fresh choice that elicits understanding or compassion or sympathy on your part instead of falling into your old, familiar pattern of self-victimization. Once you get the hang of it, you will find this type of choice easier and much more pleasant than the anxiety-producing story lines you currently concoct. There is every chance that George will pick up on your energy and respond differently the next time you meet. If not, that is OK, too.
That would certainly work in situations like the one with George, where the relationship is only casual, but it can get much more complicated when you are dealing with someone who is close to you, like a friend or a co-worker or a family member. How do you handle a situation when someone actually treats you badly, someone with whom you have a more intimate relationship? It can be very difficult NOT to take it personally when someone who knows you well criticizes you or shames you or ridicules you for no reason at all. I have found myself in situations like this where instead of responding emotionally, I repress my hurt feelings and pretend that I’m not bothered by what has been said or done, but I’m not sure this is the best choice I can make. There are some who believe that when this kind of thing happens, it is often better to simply say “You’re right” or “You have a point” and let it go at that. In other words, diffuse the situation by not allowing yourself to get triggered into a knee-jerk emotional response. Don’t repress the emotion or act it out, just walk away, essentially. But that is very, very hard to do, especially when you feel the need to defend yourself.
An important point to remember is that when one individual or group of individuals confronts another, whether physically or verbally, each side is usually doing so from an unconscious position, otherwise there would be no impulse to attack or defend. It is often the case in very personal relationships that each individual will have intimate knowledge of the other party’s so-called trigger points and insecurities and will do their very best to exploit them. This makes all parties vulnerable to personal criticism and attack and prone to positions of defense. When an exchange moves beyond, say, a minor slight or insult, it can descend very quickly into a battle of the egos, with each individual ego vying for supremacy. The longer this kind of ego-created conflict continues, the more enmeshed you can become in a completely fabricated cycle of back-and-forth recriminations, until one or both of the parties wakes up, realizes what is actually happening and withdrawals their attention. Among humans, this decision to step back from conflict is often seen as a sign of weakness, but we can assure you that it takes great strength and will power to reclaim one’s presence and sense of true self in the midst of such emotional turmoil.
I think it also helps to remember in situations like this, where individuals are out to make another person feel bad, that one or more of the parties may actually be projecting.
Indeed. In these types of situations, it is more than likely, especially when things become heated, that each of the parties involved is actually projecting those qualities within themselves that, for one reason or another, they consider “bad” or “wrong” or somehow unacceptable. An inability or reluctance to accept those qualities leads to an individual projecting those unwanted qualities onto another and then attacking them in an effort to eliminate them. That is why so often you may see one individual criticize another for no apparent reason.
Reminding yourself that the other person may very well be projecting can help you gain some perspective, but diffusing the situation by stepping back, that’s much trickier, isn’t it? Waking up enough in the moment to realize that taking something personally, especially when it extends and deepens a conflict with someone that you love, is not a choice that will ultimately serve you or the other person very well. But the impulse to engage is very strong and it takes a lot of confidence to resist giving in to it.
This is why remembering who you really are is so important in situations where you are tempted to take personally something that someone else says or does. As we have stated in the past, no one who is fully awake to who they really are and why they have come, no one who understands the Oneness of all creation, no one who realizes that you are each reflections of each other, would ever attack another being, even in a small way, because, ultimately, it is the same as attacking yourself. If there was complete remembrance among humans on the physical plane, there would be no wars, no battles, no conflicts, no adversarial relationships, only empathy and understanding and love. Responding from an unconscious position takes you out of yourself, literally, takes you away from your true essence and into the waiting arms of your ego mind, who enjoys nothing more than drama stirred up by hurt feelings.
So, what is the best way to keep yourself from taking something personally?
As you say, this can be a difficult proposition, especially when you find yourself in the throes of an escalating emotional conflict, but it can be done. When you feel that urge to respond to a perceived slight or snub or criticism, use those hurt feelings as a signal to pause, step back and consider your situation. Is this really how I want to respond? Do I really want or need to strike back? Does the other person really understand what they are saying? Affirm for yourself that whatever has been directed at you is coming from someone who is unconscious, not present, attacking from the stance of the ego and therefor unaware of what is actually occurring. That is the essence of true forgiveness. Allow yourself to be the one in the situation who maintains their presence, who remembers who they really are and why they have come, who stays awake no matter how personal things get and makes the conscious decision to withdrawal their energy from the conflict and release it, right there, on the spot. With enough practice, you will gain proficiency at this type of response and will soon begin to appreciate the sense of relief that you feel each time you are able to step back, release your hurt feelings and embrace your true self in the moment.
This has been a very valuable conversation.
We agree. Until next time.
Thank you all.
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